Dear Disappointment

08 December 2011

Expecting is my favorite crime and disappointment is always my punishment.

As much as possible, I avoid posting negative things in this blog. Those who know me in person can attest to the fact that I am generally a genial person and I think the magic that is made when my fingertips touch the keyboard translates that well enough. I prefer filling this blog up with pretty little things: those that bring me joy and those that I think might interest you guys.

But right now I just want to vent. Which sucks because I have just given the URL of this blog to the boss of the boss of my boss earlier today.

Whenever I promise someone something, I try my darnest best to do it. Whenever I agree to do something for someone, I make sure I do it. Even when it's out of my way. Even when it's inconvenient. Whenever I say yes, you know that is a yes through and through. I've acknowledged several times that I might be spreading myself a little bit too thin, but that's okay. It's hard for me to say no to people, especially when I know it would mean a lot to them. Now, in the very rare instances where plans would have to be changed, I make sure to advise the concerned person/s beforehand. That's just courtesy, right? That's just standard practice, right?

I don't know, maybe I have been too used to doing this myself that I've already expected other people to do the same.

A little over a week ago, someone promised me something. Okay, that someone promised to treat me out to eat somewhere. A week has passed, I heard nothing. I sent a little nudge, the person said it'll happen this week. Yesterday and today were the only available windows for this to happen. I heard nothing. Oh yeah, the person said something came up. Yesterday. I didn't hear anything the whole day today.

It's not so much as the "free food" - you know I CAN buy my own food anytime (heck I bought myself Christmas doughnuts and hot choco for breakfast and one big meal of salt and pepper pork plus rice and pasta for lunch today. I can buy more when I go hungry. I don't scrimp on food so long as I can finish it.) - as the thought of spending time with that person just to catch up and talk. And I don't know if I'm making any sense to you right now. I don't even know if someone's reading this up until this point, but I'm just too upset to care.

Actually, I'm upset because I care. And I hate myself for caring because I really don't want to. I've been hurt by the said person far too many times that I hate myself for expecting things to be better. Things will never change, we can never become friends because a friend won't do this to a friend, and it's time for me to accept that.

I'm done here. I swear I'm done here.

And now I'll just keep staring at this little munchkin to calm my heart and take my mind off things. If you are still reading this, thank you.

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