These are the moments I remember I'm alive

26 May 2010

... you know, because my heart feels hollow yet it hurts so bad it's impossible to ignore.

What follows is a very personal post.

I know I've said before that I am one of the most optimistic and positive people I know that I can even pass as poster girl for Tinkerbell's mantra think happy thoughts. However, I think I might have already exhausted my reservoir of happy thoughts. I refuse to indulge in retail therapy as the satisfaction I get from it is just fleeting and I will just most probably end up feeling worse because of regret due to overspending on things I don't really need. I have tried to divert my attention and focus on other things but at the back of my mind and in the deepest part of my heart, I know it's not going away. Heck I even watched Shrek Forever After (in 3D!) but the feeling still lingers. I have dismissed these feelings as PMS but I think this goes deeper. I have always been a crybaby who easily tears up at the smallest, cheesiest, most mundane things, but now my tear ducts seemed to have organized a competition between them to see who can produce the most tears at the most random moment. I could be eating lunch, I could be watching a stupid Youtube video, or I could be at work, reading a boring article about a celebrity in The Daily Mail and before I knew it tears have begun to fall. My tear ducts suck.

What used to be my pink, glittering heart has become a black hole, sucking all the energy and life and dreams out of me.

This is the first time I am admitting this in public, and you know this takes every ounce of my courage: I feel like I am a failure. When I was still studying, I was star of the class. I was popular, I was sent to all sorts of cool seminars and conventions to represent my school/ university (and I even got to represent the Philippines at a youth camp in Singapore back in 2004). I was praised by my teachers/ professors and I was adored by my peers, I was on top of my game. Fast forward to 2010, I feel trapped in a job wherein I couldn't be happier with my officemates but every time I go to work I feel like a cluster of my brain cells die I am not living up to my full potentials. I want to go out there and go after my dreams, but I don't know where to find the courage to start trying. I feel weak and defeated. I've lost my muchness. I let someone who really loved me go away and risked getting my heart trampled and stamped on by someone whose feelings he and I weren't sure of. I did get my heart trampled and stamped on, all right. But before this trampling and stamping on incident, I felt genuinely, utterly, head-over-heels happy. Better to be head-over-heels happy  or downright miserable than to be just okay, right? I know that's right, but even knowing that fact couldn't comfort me in these dark times.

I am currently on the first few chapters of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and I can identify with her stories that I end up crying after almost every anecdote: her divorce (umm, I've never been married but I also did have to end a long relationship with someone I thought I would be happy forever with), her on-and-off relationship with David (in my case it's another person whose name also starts with the letter D, but now we have completely ended things, for good), and how she wanted and needed to escape. It's like I am reading the words my heart wanted to say.

I really do wish this is just PMS.

Are you there God? It's me, Krissy.

*Photo is taken about four years ago.

15 comments:

Teeyah. said...

*hug*

Like you, I've been there. There isn't a barrage of words I could say about this but all I can say is what I did: I took a leap of faith :)

And I'm happy now. I'm sure you know in your heart what would make you happy so go for it. Sometimes, it's incredibly liberating to do spontaneous things. If your heart tells you go, then go :)

After all, you're young and you're allowed to make mistakes :)

Anagon =) said...

Ang lunkot naman sis :(
I also go through (a lot, actually) rethinking what i have become after all those "star student" years back in my school days =/ But i guess the mantra "You and I, we are meant to be great" will always linger in me, hopefully to spark something inside me--the best "Anagon" or the best "Krissy" we always had been will just explode one day =)
And yes, Eat Pray Love is our story...super made me want to go out in the world like her...to remeet myself! :)

Anonymous said...

Kristel, the only constant source of happiness is that person up there! Nothing and i say it again NOTHING compares to HIM! No material things can give u absolute happiness! No people can give you as much happiness! It's only God! You know I am not that into talking about God always because I believe that at some way and in time you will experience HIM!

This is a blessing in disguise girl! Know HIM better!

Love yah!

donnarence said...

krissy, have faith everything is gonna be fine. that is just a phase.. that you can hurdle and overtime you will realize that these things will make you a better person. my advise is pray with all your heart. when things does not seem to go the way you wanted them to be ask for his strength. it is HE and HIM alone who can help you.

smile.. :D there is always a rainbow after a storm..

Nikolett said...

Ahh Krissy ... I could tell something was up, don't feel you have to put on this "pink power" front when you feel the complete opposite. Don't feel you're a failure, though. Everyone goes through stages in life, and everyone measures success in different ways ... it's like the quote you have on the very right column of this blog: Life may not be the party we hoped for. But while we're here, we should dance.

I say, don't be afraid of taking chances or looking around to find a job you'd really like to do while still working at the one you're at now, for now. Do what you're comfortable with so you can get back on that level where the smiles will be more genuine and long-lasting, okie? And if you ever need to talk, I'm here Missy Krissy ♥

Ana Mich said...

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs...don't dwell to much on sadness Krissy. You're too fab and awesome to be sad.
I'm sure, in no time you can get through this, kaw pa?! Love u!

RicAdeMus said...

Hi Krissy, I don't know Teeyah, but she gave some great advice.

About living up to your potential, in theory it is what we all want. Who wants to settle for less than their best? But it depends how you define things. Do your best and be the star in whatever job you have. Change will come when the time is right--and only you will know when.

You've got people all over the world who care about and who are sending you positive energy.

jenobebs said...

awww..

id say..give yourself time to be lonely. having this positive vibe ooze from within is such a talent and gift BUT we must also live through sad times. accept the feeling that you are lonely now. cry your heart out if you wish..and then..stand back up again. i always say, give yourself time to be lonely, makes the happy times more heartfelt.

bear hugs for you sweetie.
hope the lonely phase doesnt last long :)

MKL said...

Not living up to your full potentials? I can feel you on that one. I've been one of the best students in my class, too. But now I have a hard time to find something stable. It's a struggle. I know I can do better, but nobody gives me the chance to prove myself. I also felt like a failure sometimes, but luckily I have a great gf. If I hadn't have her, I'd probably drown in my own sorrow. The only solace I have is the hope for the future. Krissy, let's work hard and hope we can succeed and live up to our own potentials. I'm sure we will, Krissy.

And thanks for your honesty. I think this is one of the best posts I've ever read from you. It's deep and it really touched me.

Nashe^ said...

I've been there and honestly, I haven't gotten out of that funk yet. There are so many things/activities that I used to love, and now I don't get the chance to do them anymore. I hope you get your mojo back, if you know what I mean.

dBlah said...

things change for the better. it's a matter of perspective and choice :)

BTW, random bloghopping. exchange links? just give me a heads up back at my blog. thanks!

Miss Guimba said...

Oh, dear Krissy. I haven't been able to read blogs lately and I didn't know you're going through this phase. I agree with Tara. You're young with no other attachments so take advantage of it. Don't be afraid to explore possibilities, career-wise. Now is the time to be adventurous. Worried about leaving your friends? The good ones stay even when you're not together anymore. Investing in yourself will be good for you in the long run. Experience all you can now when you're free to do it. You've lost your muchness? You can get it back. Ikaw pa... Hug!

Meream said...

Aww Krissy. *BIG HUG* I will pray that you get your glittery pink heart back again. SOON.

plaridel said...

when in doubt, follow your heart.

Manjula Deshmukh said...

Hi Krissy..Been there..done that and came away broken hearted. I spent almost 10 years trying to forget my Ex, who i was with for 5 years. I still miss him, but wish him well.

Dont worry..Things will fall in place.

So grab your white pants, your prayer bracelets and head to India. And let me know when you are coming here :D

On a lighter note, You will meet Mr. Right once in your life. Until then the trick is to keep having fun with the wrong ones.